Embracing Generosity

I have always had trouble with taking charity. It is so demeaning. Geezh, I feel like a heel when someone wants to pass off some kind of money on to me ...like I'm accepting food stamps. I don't need the pity of anyone. I want to be the one in control of the situation...I want to be the one to toss a few bones to people who I feel need them more than I do. I want to appear as the "giant of a man" who steps in to sweep a person away from desparation. I have serious issues with anyone who wants to sweep me away from mine.

I embrace generosity like I embrace a wet kiss from my great Aunt Eva.

Until one day, a kid. Yeah...a kid. A high school sophomore. This boy who was still wet behind the ears began to threaten my secure status of how I approached generosity.

When I was in college, I would make the occasional weekend trips home to my "home church". And there was this sweet, frail, white-haired little ol' lady who just adored me. No... she fawned all over me. She would find me like a heat-seeking missle. And she would lavish me with praise & adoration. I felt like crawling into a hole. Lordy, she would carry on something terrible! And, she would clasp her hands together & exclaim, "Oh, Phil! I am so proud of you!!! I just think you are sooo wonderful!" SERIOUSLY! It was awful! And I would have to stand there & suffer through her doting.

Then, one day as she grabbed my hand (as she commonly did every time I saw her), I felt something inside. This poor old woman slipped me, a college Junior, a $20 bill!! What is this woman thinking???? I can't take her money! Good grief! I had a dad who was the local accountant & I didn't need to be taking her money. But, there was no convincing this crazy woman otherwise. With great pain, I agreed to keep the cabbage.

Then, this high school sophomore put me in my place... I was recalling this harrowing experience to this kid. And this boy had the gall to tell me, "You know, if you don't learn to receive, God will not let you give." Ouch! Well, that got me thinking.... I know it frustrates me greatly when my generosity is spurned by someone. Yet here I was, spurning (even if it were subconsciously) the giving of other people right & left.

Embracing generosity means swallowing hard and letting someone be greater than yourself. And that is NOT comfortable. It is very awkward. It is putting oneself in a position to be at the mercy of another. And not feeling as if you are manipulating that person. It is humbling...not humiliating. And when I can get past the issue of pride & control, it is the most soothing feeling on earth.

I can best describe this as the act of hugging another. Most of the time when I hug a person,I tend to focus on my act of hugging the other person rather than focusing on the other person's act of hugging me -- like I'm in control. I tend to feel the act of initiating the hug...not receiving the hug from the other. Let me illustrate.

Years ago, a tragic fire claimed the life of a small baby. It was caused by the carlessness of several young adults & youth who were drinking. A small child knocked over a candle & the entire house was engulfed in flames in a matter of minutes. One of the youth tried to save as many as he could but this small child could not be rescued. He needed to express his grief & his desparation in trying to save this child & asked that he be allowed to do so at the start of a live concert that was to be performed at the local Christian youth center, where I volunteered. We did not know what to expect, nor knew what this kid would say. But once he expressed his grief (and he was a "tough guy", complete with a scarf tied around his head) to the crowd, he then broke down in tears. He turned to me & the others from the youth center standing behind him & we all hugged him as he cried. His full weight was upon me & the others...not having the stamina to hug anyone back. We basically supported him as his knees weakened with grief.

When I speak of embracing generosity, I think of an embrace. When I am embraced by another, I am surrounded by that person & I'm allowing myself to be supported by the embrace of the other person. Much like this kid who was being embraced by those supporting him in his intense grief. I am learning how to be supported by the generosity of another...and to quit trying to support myself by being so dang cocky.