I read the online newspapers & websites from all the local media outlets in my hometown area surronding Booneville, AR. I find myself clicking the "Obituary" link more than not. And each time I see familiar names from my past. A former teacher, a neighbor who used to live across the street from me, a classmate's father, former clients of my now deceased father.... Each day could bring another name I recognize.
I see now how as I get older my world is getting smaller. Life goes on... And I watch it pass. I live 1250 miles away from my hometown now. I see how my home state of Arkansas is slowly becoming more of a foreign land. The culture is changing, the landscape is changing & each year I visit it seems like a new element is being added or taken away.
Nevertheless, it is comforting to visit these virtual outposts of my past. I still feel connected & have the desire to know what's going on...even though I have no idea who the people are that are the subject of the news articles I read. It gives me a sense of being to know I can have a head knowledge of the events that I no longer experience first hand.
And then I hear news today that my Dad's youngest living brother, my Uncle John, has had a stroke. He is well into his 70s now, and has had numerous heart operations. The world of my family is getting smaller, too. I think of my grandmother, "Grandma Ruby", who will turn 99 in April. She has buried 2 of her own children - my Dad being one of them - and she just spends her time lying in bed in a "rest home" in southern Arkansas watching life pass her by. It is when I visit her every year at Thanksgiving that I feel like I can come home.
My home, that I spent a quarter-century living in, is now occupied by strangers. It still looks familiar, but the trimmings have dramatically changed. Soon, another milestone will pass: By the year 2010, I will have lived in Pennsylvania as long as I have lived in my childhood state of Arkansas. After that, I will be more of a Pennsylvanian than an Arkansan.
I see now, why many return to their home upon retirement. I'm starting to feel that way even now, & I still have years to go before I hang up my working shoes.
But while my world is shrinking behind me, a new world is growing in front of me. I have two precious boys who are, in their own individual way, the spitting image of "dear ol' Dad". Tomorrow, I relive a part of my past because my youngest boy will be going to the eye doctor at the tender age of 4 to be fitted for corrective lenses that he will , no doubt, be dependant up0n for the remainder of his life...just as I depend upon them right now to write this. I, too, was 4 years old when my next door neighbor (who was also to be my eye doctor) noticed I could not see the golf balls he was putting in his front lawn when he asked me to retrieve them for him while he practiced his swing.
This new world is growing each day as I see traits of me in my children...and as I introduce them to the world behind me by taking them to see their family each Thanksgiving back in Arkansas. There, I watch as they get to know & love their cousins & other family members just as I did at their age when I was brought to these family gatherings that started in 1960.
My new world grows as I take walks in the woods with my kids & hear my oldest (who is following in he father's steps by trying to be at least 15 yards ahead of everyone else on the hike) shout out toward me, "Dad... you know what?" "I love you!" and hear those words echo through the Pennsylvania mountains.
What an intricate & complicated - yet completely marvelous life we live in.
3.21.2006
3.01.2006
Extrovert - Schmexstrovert....
Kind of a weird Sunday night. Weird in a good kind of way, though. At church, we've just begun looking into the different spiritual disciplines in following the teachings of Christ. We were looking into living a contemplative life & exploring what this means. That's about all I remember about it.
For me, I guess when I look at how I worship, a lot depends on my environment. The music does help, but I don't get that caught up in the emotionalism associated a lot of times with music & worship. Now that doesn't mean I don't get emotional...it just means that I don't need music to initiate it. No, what really helps me connect in worship is looking around & seeing others who are participating in worship with me. The whole gathering together of the "saints" in celebration of Christ & His Provisions for us really undergirds my worship experience.
So many people in my church see me as an extrovert. Yeah, I guess I do seem to pitch myself in the forefront many times, but it's not because I need attention to emotionally survive. At the same time, I am not a recluse & shun a lot of public life to pursue a monatary existence. I will admit that I am a "people person"...that I get a huge charge from hooking up with people. But not a crowd of people. I'm not intimidated by crowds and I can easily walk onto a stage in front of 80,000 people - just like I did when I was introduced with the staff of a brand new Christian radio station that came to the area.
What happened Sunday though spoke louder to me than my pastor who was leading the dialogue on spiritual disciplines. I was able to connect with two friends with who I have the greatest amount of respect. One was someone I had not seen in weeks who was able to make it to a gathering at church. The other connection happened in a totally spontaneous fashion.
I saw him stepping from the mens' room looking (as we used to say down south) rather "peekid"...like he was just recovering from a weekend with the flu. Obviously, I asked if he was feeling alright. He answered with that he was indeed not feeling up to speed. When I joked that if he felt the need to hurl he should turn away from me, he laughed slightly and said he wasn't feeling sick. So, I instinctively asked if it was something I could pray for him about.
That's when his eyes filled with tears & his voice wavered & he explained how he was just feeling overwhelmed with studies at the university & with his responsibility as a leader in the local Christian group. Before I knew it, I was pulling his arm, coaxing him to follow me (and the other friend I was talking to at the time) into the church's prayer room. There my friend told of his feelings of helplessness as he feels the need to fulfill his responsibilities as a "spiritual leader" for the Bible Study group, but also knows he truly must devote time to his studies while at school.
My heart went out to him because I could easily identify with his delimma. See, this friend is someone I would not have second thoughts about laying my life down for his sake. This friend is someone I would confide in with some of the most hidden secrets in my life. And it was a friend that I was always looking for some way to express my appreciation for his loyalty & his friendship. Now it looked like that time had come.
I listened to him emotionally share his burden while trying to sort out all the experiences I had gone through that I could tell him from similar situations. "Male bonding" would be what my wife would jokingly call it...but it was more than just "bonding". I felt it was a morphing of two & of three individuals together. The physical expression of my favorite verse in Ecclesiastes:
Here we were: The cord of three strands, supporting each other, one of which was feeling a bit more weak & needed the support of the other two. I could see a glimmer of hope appear in the eyes of my friend, which only fueled my spiritual gift of exhortation. It was such a rush to have such a personal impact upon another - it is such a huge responsibility, too.
As we ended with a prayer for my friend, I chose to "pray us home", so to speak, but it was a struggle to do so because I was so overcome with emotion. Oh, crap. That's not supposed to happen. But it did, and as it has always happened in my prior experiences, my tears acted as a bond that drew my friendship even tighter.
I would take experiences like this over being in a crowd of people anytime. Sorry if this is a letdown to you, but I must reiterate: I am not an extrovert.
Well, in the literal sense anyway.
For me, I guess when I look at how I worship, a lot depends on my environment. The music does help, but I don't get that caught up in the emotionalism associated a lot of times with music & worship. Now that doesn't mean I don't get emotional...it just means that I don't need music to initiate it. No, what really helps me connect in worship is looking around & seeing others who are participating in worship with me. The whole gathering together of the "saints" in celebration of Christ & His Provisions for us really undergirds my worship experience.
So many people in my church see me as an extrovert. Yeah, I guess I do seem to pitch myself in the forefront many times, but it's not because I need attention to emotionally survive. At the same time, I am not a recluse & shun a lot of public life to pursue a monatary existence. I will admit that I am a "people person"...that I get a huge charge from hooking up with people. But not a crowd of people. I'm not intimidated by crowds and I can easily walk onto a stage in front of 80,000 people - just like I did when I was introduced with the staff of a brand new Christian radio station that came to the area.
What happened Sunday though spoke louder to me than my pastor who was leading the dialogue on spiritual disciplines. I was able to connect with two friends with who I have the greatest amount of respect. One was someone I had not seen in weeks who was able to make it to a gathering at church. The other connection happened in a totally spontaneous fashion.
I saw him stepping from the mens' room looking (as we used to say down south) rather "peekid"...like he was just recovering from a weekend with the flu. Obviously, I asked if he was feeling alright. He answered with that he was indeed not feeling up to speed. When I joked that if he felt the need to hurl he should turn away from me, he laughed slightly and said he wasn't feeling sick. So, I instinctively asked if it was something I could pray for him about.
That's when his eyes filled with tears & his voice wavered & he explained how he was just feeling overwhelmed with studies at the university & with his responsibility as a leader in the local Christian group. Before I knew it, I was pulling his arm, coaxing him to follow me (and the other friend I was talking to at the time) into the church's prayer room. There my friend told of his feelings of helplessness as he feels the need to fulfill his responsibilities as a "spiritual leader" for the Bible Study group, but also knows he truly must devote time to his studies while at school.
My heart went out to him because I could easily identify with his delimma. See, this friend is someone I would not have second thoughts about laying my life down for his sake. This friend is someone I would confide in with some of the most hidden secrets in my life. And it was a friend that I was always looking for some way to express my appreciation for his loyalty & his friendship. Now it looked like that time had come.
I listened to him emotionally share his burden while trying to sort out all the experiences I had gone through that I could tell him from similar situations. "Male bonding" would be what my wife would jokingly call it...but it was more than just "bonding". I felt it was a morphing of two & of three individuals together. The physical expression of my favorite verse in Ecclesiastes:
9 Two are better than one because they have a
good reward for their efforts. 10 For if either falls, his companion can
lift him up; but pity the one who falls without another to lift him up.
11 Also, if two lie down together, they can keep warm; but how can one
person alone keep warm? 12 And if somebody overpowers one person, two can
resist him. A cord of three strands is not easily broken
Here we were: The cord of three strands, supporting each other, one of which was feeling a bit more weak & needed the support of the other two. I could see a glimmer of hope appear in the eyes of my friend, which only fueled my spiritual gift of exhortation. It was such a rush to have such a personal impact upon another - it is such a huge responsibility, too.
As we ended with a prayer for my friend, I chose to "pray us home", so to speak, but it was a struggle to do so because I was so overcome with emotion. Oh, crap. That's not supposed to happen. But it did, and as it has always happened in my prior experiences, my tears acted as a bond that drew my friendship even tighter.
I would take experiences like this over being in a crowd of people anytime. Sorry if this is a letdown to you, but I must reiterate: I am not an extrovert.
Well, in the literal sense anyway.
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