Embracing Generosity

I have always had trouble with taking charity. It is so demeaning. Geezh, I feel like a heel when someone wants to pass off some kind of money on to me ...like I'm accepting food stamps. I don't need the pity of anyone. I want to be the one in control of the situation...I want to be the one to toss a few bones to people who I feel need them more than I do. I want to appear as the "giant of a man" who steps in to sweep a person away from desparation. I have serious issues with anyone who wants to sweep me away from mine.

I embrace generosity like I embrace a wet kiss from my great Aunt Eva.

Until one day, a kid. Yeah...a kid. A high school sophomore. This boy who was still wet behind the ears began to threaten my secure status of how I approached generosity.

When I was in college, I would make the occasional weekend trips home to my "home church". And there was this sweet, frail, white-haired little ol' lady who just adored me. No... she fawned all over me. She would find me like a heat-seeking missle. And she would lavish me with praise & adoration. I felt like crawling into a hole. Lordy, she would carry on something terrible! And, she would clasp her hands together & exclaim, "Oh, Phil! I am so proud of you!!! I just think you are sooo wonderful!" SERIOUSLY! It was awful! And I would have to stand there & suffer through her doting.

Then, one day as she grabbed my hand (as she commonly did every time I saw her), I felt something inside. This poor old woman slipped me, a college Junior, a $20 bill!! What is this woman thinking???? I can't take her money! Good grief! I had a dad who was the local accountant & I didn't need to be taking her money. But, there was no convincing this crazy woman otherwise. With great pain, I agreed to keep the cabbage.

Then, this high school sophomore put me in my place... I was recalling this harrowing experience to this kid. And this boy had the gall to tell me, "You know, if you don't learn to receive, God will not let you give." Ouch! Well, that got me thinking.... I know it frustrates me greatly when my generosity is spurned by someone. Yet here I was, spurning (even if it were subconsciously) the giving of other people right & left.

Embracing generosity means swallowing hard and letting someone be greater than yourself. And that is NOT comfortable. It is very awkward. It is putting oneself in a position to be at the mercy of another. And not feeling as if you are manipulating that person. It is humbling...not humiliating. And when I can get past the issue of pride & control, it is the most soothing feeling on earth.

I can best describe this as the act of hugging another. Most of the time when I hug a person,I tend to focus on my act of hugging the other person rather than focusing on the other person's act of hugging me -- like I'm in control. I tend to feel the act of initiating the hug...not receiving the hug from the other. Let me illustrate.

Years ago, a tragic fire claimed the life of a small baby. It was caused by the carlessness of several young adults & youth who were drinking. A small child knocked over a candle & the entire house was engulfed in flames in a matter of minutes. One of the youth tried to save as many as he could but this small child could not be rescued. He needed to express his grief & his desparation in trying to save this child & asked that he be allowed to do so at the start of a live concert that was to be performed at the local Christian youth center, where I volunteered. We did not know what to expect, nor knew what this kid would say. But once he expressed his grief (and he was a "tough guy", complete with a scarf tied around his head) to the crowd, he then broke down in tears. He turned to me & the others from the youth center standing behind him & we all hugged him as he cried. His full weight was upon me & the others...not having the stamina to hug anyone back. We basically supported him as his knees weakened with grief.

When I speak of embracing generosity, I think of an embrace. When I am embraced by another, I am surrounded by that person & I'm allowing myself to be supported by the embrace of the other person. Much like this kid who was being embraced by those supporting him in his intense grief. I am learning how to be supported by the generosity of another...and to quit trying to support myself by being so dang cocky.

Water In A Glass

My Dad was a survivor of the Depression. He was a survivor of a fatal disease that claimed the life of his Dad when he was merely a teenager. Then, that same disease struck him & put him in a sanitorium where he was isolated from the rest of humanity until a cure was found for tuberculosis. His grandfather raised him along with his mother, who also had 3 other boys and one lone girl to boot to take care of as well. And do you think he had a dim view on life? Not on your life. He always looked at the proverbial glass of water as "half-full". He went on to start his own accounting business, which lasted over 40 years under his ownership before he sold it upon his retirement. It's still in business, as of today.

Dad was also one who drank in words of wisdom from other successful men. Men who were motivated by their internal "drive" to look at life the same way he did. One of his early influences was a man by the name of Earl Nightingale. I remember watching Dad early in the morning as he was getting ready to go to work, in the bathroom shaving & blasting Earl Nightingale cassettes at the same time. Here is some of what Dad learned from this visionary:

Learn to enjoy every minute of your
life. Be happy now. Don't wait for something outside of yourself to make you
happy in the future. Think how really precious is the time you have to spend,
whether it's at work or with your family. Every minute should be enjoyed and
savored.

Our attitude towards others
determines their attitude towards us.

People are where they are because
that is exactly where they really want to be - whether they will admit that or
not.

The biggest mistake that you can
make is to believe that you are working for somebody else. Job security is gone.
The driving force of a career must come from the individual. Remember: Jobs are
owned by the company, you own your career.

Wherever there is danger, there
lurks opportunity; whenever there is opportunity, there lurks danger. The two
are inseparable. They go together.

Nightingale began early in life looking for the answer to this question: “How can a person, starting from scratch, who has no particular advantage in the world, reach the goals that he feels are important to him, and by so doing, make a major contribution to others?” Now, do you wonder if everyone asked this same question today, if there would be any "social victims" left?

Dad also read books by Dale Carnagie. Here are a few good pointers from the man who gave us the book, How to Win Friends And Influence People:

It just amazes me when I am around those who just can't seem to find one positve thing about the situation they're in. I realize sometimes life may resemble an ugly, smelly old jackass...but you do have a choice in whether or not you want to look at the front or the back end of it.

I've read a few of Dale's books, as I also did from Norman Vincent Peale (of the Guideposts Magazine fame) & his classic The Power of Positive Thinking. These books & philosophy have revolutionized the way I approach life.

My Dad died in 2002 from complications of Alzheimer's Disease at the age of 70 having sold his accounting practices in two different towns in Arkansas. He also was a Paul Harris Fellow of Rotary International, a former Director for First Western Bank in my hometown, and a former Jaycee member. Oh, and not too many folks in town had never heard of my Dad, either. And they all knew him fondly as, "good ol' Billy Dale".

Not too bad for a fellow who was raised in southwest Arkansas on a poor farm eating so much poke salat & turnip greens that his mother had to put coal oil around his ankles at night to keep the cutworms from getting him.

A Deep-Rooted "Stubborn Streak"

The Leslies were a stalwart race, strong in body and mind, and in these days of ‘rugging and riving’ contrived to obtain a large share both of territory and influence, not only in Scotland but in several Continental countries. No Scottish surname, indeed, has been more widely known than theirs, or more famous, on the Continent.

I've been told I'm just like all the other "bull-headed Leslies". Well, I get it from a long line of my ancestors. In fact, I'm absolutely head over heels infatuated with anything having to do with Scotland, and especially the Scottish Highlands of Garioch...near the town of Insch & the small village of Leslie.

One of my life's dreams is to spend a couple of weeks basking in the atmosphere of this sacred locale of Bonnie Scotland. I have maps of the region & enough websites bookmarked to fill a small library. I have been seeking penpals from Aberdeenshire, Scotland and read online newspapers from this region of the country. I collect anything of the Leslie tartan to wear. If I had the money, I'd buy a kilt in a New York second. And I'd wear it proudly.

I think everyone ought to get into their family history with this much tenacity. It's so incredibly rewarding to read about the historical events that shaped the person you are today. I've seen in my own family heritage a similar trend in my relatives, myself, and my own children that was a prominent streak in my ancestors.

I am even feebly trying to learn Gaelic. So far, I've maganged to get half way through the first chapter. In just about 1 1/2 years. I've even purchased a book on how to talk in "ScotSpeak"...by using different dialects from the different regions of Scotland. It has a CD to actually hear how the natives speak.

So if I'm told that I'm bull-headed, stubborn, headstrong, "stalwart".... I'll just smile with pride.

Authentic Friendship

I must be a rare breed.

Growing up, I was constantly picked on from my classmates. I've had so many "fair weather" friends, I really should be a weatherman. I was the "average" guy in school. Never did anything really outstanding. Never was athletic, never had any interest in competing for anything... I just enjoy life.

Those who think they know me always seem certain I'm an extrovert. But in actuality, I do not feed upon being the center of attention. In fact, I'm quite uncomfortable with it. I can survive if I'm placed in a situation where the spotlight is focused upon me. I don't get convulsions or start gagging for air. I can hold my own pretty much. I've spoken at 8th Grade graduations and I've been on a stage with over 70,000 people in the audience.

I've been with celebrities and I've actually interviewed a United States Senator for a radio program.

Alone.

In my own car.

With no one else around.

As I drove him to the airport.

But, I really prefer a small circle of friends. Not just friends in the general term. Bur friends. Authentic friends. I have more acquaintences than I can possibly imagine. But I only have a very few friends. And, I am deathly loyal to them.

That's probably because I had so few friends who were loyal to me as a kid growing up.

I particularly gravitate toward friends of my own gender. Not that gal friends are not as cool. I need them, too. They provide a unique companionship that helps me understand a side of life that I rarely understand. But my "guy friends" are people who really understand ME. They are my "bosum buddies".

And, I don't have a problem being authentic around them...nor they around me. I mean I don't have a problem becoming very personal with them. And if that means having the freedom to express emotions in verbal or non-verbal means, then so be it. I don't have a problem with it. Because they are my authentic friends.

I used to be driven to junior high by my Dad. And, each morning (in the face of those other "cool" guys) I would boldly give my Dad a kiss on his cheek before I left. I have no shame about this. And neither did he. I have no shame if the situation calls for me to place my arm around my authentic friend...or to hug him...or to hold him. It's nothing sexual (you perverts out there...get that out of your dirty little mind). It's friendship.

Authentic Friendship.

It is a rare gem. It has great value. And it is only reserved for those who authentically deserve it. It is the most person thing I can give to someone. It is the real me.

No Regrets, But...

This past week a good friend, who is in my local church community, lost his mom. He has had a pretty rough week trying to work through the emotions of planning & going through with the funeral, and dealing with reality.

My Mom died in 2000 before ever seeing age 69. And before ever seeing my two boys. Well, she did get to see a sonogram of my oldest son just days before she went home to be with the Lord. I have always said...and still believe...that I have no regrets at my Mom's passing. I really don't. We've never had a breach in our relationship that I had to mend. We've always known our feelings about each other. I've been blessed to have been able to show her my love & appreciation for her long before she died. Most recently, I helped plan her 40th wedding anniversary for her & my Dad. She said this was going to be, in her mind, like celebrating her 50th because she already knew she'd never live to see her 50th anniversary in reality.

See, my Mom was a 25 year cancer survivor. Before that, she was a survivor of the dreaded disease called tuberculosis. She had over 3/4 of her lung removed and then went through years of follow-up X-Rays to make sure the disease was cured. Unfortunately, by doing this she contracted breast cancer from all of the X-Rays.

When I was in 8th Grade, we got the news. Malignant. It was the only time (before Mom's death) that I ever saw my Dad cry. It was a major catastrophy in our house. Mom had a mastectomy and then radiation treatment. She had muscles & lymph nodes removed from under her arm. Then, two years later...it happened again. A second mastectomy and this time chemotherapy treatments. Then, annual cancer check-ups. That lasted over 25 years.

And then, it happened again. A small cancerous spot on her lung. She was then treated with an experimental new drug called, "tomoxiphin". This bought Mom another 5 or 6 years. Then, more cancer...this time in a tumor at the base of her cerebellum. And another suspicious spot -- on her pelvix. Then, her speech started slurring & her vision began to blur. Then in April of 2000, she called it quits.

I took her yellow daffodils from the American Cancer Society's "Daffodil Days" while she lay in the extended care facility in Columbus, OH (where my parents now lived with my sister). As I left for home on that Sunday afternoon, she gave me a look that told me that this would be the last time I would see her on this earth. She died a week later.

I still have no regrets about my relationship with Mom. We had our glorious battles because we were so much alike. She was able to see me married & preparing to father children. She knew I would do well without her supervision or her "blessing". But...

I do miss being able to tell Mom how my two boys act in ways that their father did when he was their age. I miss telling Mom the funny things that they say & being able to hear her laugh & tell me, "You were the same way when you were their age!" I miss her getting to see how much her grandsons are becoming more like her. I also miss never being able to ask her, "Mom, how did you handle me when I did this?"

We took our Christmas decorations down this week & as I was stacking boxes in the attic, I came across a lot of photos of my Mom & Dad that were taken at my wedding. I wish she could physically could be here to see what has taken place in the nearly 5 years that she's been gone.

No regrets...but I still miss her. She was sure a fine lady.

Tsunami

This is a word that has become a part of our culture as we embark upon 2005. I watch, a half a world away, at all the devastation, death, sorrow, and destruction that the forces of nature imposed upon the island nations of the Far East. I can only marvel at the immensity of this catastrophy. I view with amazement over how so much force can produce so much upheaval.

Yet I don't feel any sense of loss.

"What?? How can you be so heartless?", you say? I'm not heartless at all. I'm clueless. I've never been in a tsunami. I've never had one third of my population washed away. However, I've had a few great uncles/aunts, grandparents, and both parents pass away in my lifetime. I haven't even had close friend killed by a drunk driver. So, am I heartless or am I just lucky?

Fact is, we all need some type of a handle in order to come to grips with reality. The tsunami for me is not reality. For someone living in Indonesia, it is very much reality. In reality, I was good friends in college with many from Malaysia, Sri Lanka, and Thailand who came to the US for their education at my Alma Mater, Arkansas State University. I haven't seen them since 1985. I wonder if any of those I attended University with were victims of the tsunami? I haven't a clue. It's not a part of my reality.

But what is a part of my reality is the tsunamis that I face in my own life. The overwhelming feeling that I'm being swept away by a force that I cannot control gives me reason to be uncertain & fearful. There are times that I experience right now that can be compared to a tidal wave that is fast approaching & has the potential to sweep away my very livelihood. And right now, that is more treacherous than anything I've seen on the other side of the globe.

Then, just this week, I read where the two Mars explorers have celebrated their one year anniversary on the Red Planet taking Polaroids like crazy...far outlasting NASA's wildest dreams. One one hand, death and disaster -- and on the other, exploring of a new world. Just as there will always be some kind of tsunami lurking around us each day, there are also visions of hope & curiosity right there, too. We just have to try as best as we can to see it through all the water that is rushing toward us.

"Winter Storm Warning" For My Life

We've been lucky so far this season. I've not had any snow to shovel nor any ice to chip through. Well, this may change tonight. A "winter storm warning" was issued for us over the next 24 hours and that seems to have mirrored the same frosty climate that has overtaken me lately.

I have a job that really isn't one...or it never really had a chance to become one. But now, it's not even a full-time one anymore because the employer is not bringing in enough to meet my salary...which has been cut 50% because they couldn't afford what was promised. The car had to have the oil changed today & it was dicovered that on the heels of this icy forcast, the two front tires must be changed because the tires on the car are shot.

The bills are climbing but the payscale ain't. I'm looking now for more part-time or better full-time work. We have a wonderful Sister in the Lord who has said she can watch our boys for a couple of hours (cheap) before I get out of work. In fact, a lot of folks have pitched in to not only make me feel welcomed into our new settings (from our recent move from northwestern PA) but feel accepted, as well.

I still have not learned to think things out in ways other than linear. So, trying to process all this is very cumbersome. There must be a stragegic way to arrive from "point a" to "point b" but I'm finding that in life, things get wrapped around trees & things & get tangled up in the process. That really screws up my linear thought process.

Things are about as "up in the air" as one could imagine. We don't know if/when/where our mortgage payment will come from next month. We don't know if/when/where I'll be working next month. And, we don't know if/when/where my wife will find a better paying job with a better, more productive working climate.

The weird thing is that I've not arrived at the "panic" mode yet. It's almost I'm hoping against hope that I'm wrong about where all this is headed & that just about the time this plane is about to go nose-down into bedrock, someone finds the way to yank the aircraft back up into the air and do a full 180 degrees to avoid a catastrophie.

I do know that I am discouraged & somewhat disappointed in the present state of affairs. But I have not given up all hope. I guess my hope is found in the folks around me who are encouraging me & helping me along. And they're helping us cope with our lack of a childcare budget.

I'm tired. I have to wake up in about 5 hours to go to my part-time (formerly full-time) job. Hey, at least there'll be some coffee waiting.

By Faith or By the Seat of Your Pants?

I know this may seem difficult for some, but I actually prefer things somewhat orderly. Back in college, I had my life so scheduled that I had to make an appointment just to go to the bathroom. I had my week all plotted out in a grid that I would photocopy each month & fill out. It looked painful.

Since college...some 20 years later...I wonder if I could ever become that structured again. I miss it. I minored in management while in college. I gobbled that up like a hungry puppy. I love trying to develop a "plan" to get things done. Many times, it's a plan for someone else...never me. I get things done when I can. I would quit procrastinating, but I just keep putting it off....

I am pretty much the same way in my faith. I have little tolerance for the "see-saw" method of faith. I think that if you want God to show you His Will, get off your fanny & start walking in any direction. If you're going the wrong way, He'll stop you pretty quick (if you're truly in tune with Him). Working in ministry, I don't care how much you want to trust God for your next step, if you don't have a good plan, your faith will be shot full of holes.

I can come across as being pretty "secular", I guess. I have a deep faith in knowing God has everything under control. But I also believe that I play a big role in His keeping things under control. God is not a babysitter. He is alive and active. And we should be, too, if we want Him to be alive and active in our lives.

I also believe in taking risks. I feel that if God is leading you in a direction, why would we want to sit around and wait for a "confirmation"? Just do it. If you make a mistake, God will provide you an eraser. I want to be patient. And I think I am. I am not tolerant. Even God has His "Judgement Day".

I am also learning to be discreet in what the future holds. I've found that by "jumping the gun" and waiting for that stroke of luck that is possible in the future will come back to bite you in the butt. I believe in keeping many irons in the fire. That is not because I lack faith. It's because I have so much of it. It's like having several fishing lines in the water at the same time.

Get a plan. Even if its the wrong plan, get a plan anyway. Start somewhere. Quit "waiting on God" and start working with God. I realize that there are times where we do, in fact, need to wait upon the Lord. But I also feel that while we wait, we can be busy doing other tasks that need to be done in the event that God provides your answer.

As the Apostle Paul writes:

18 But someone will say, “You have faith, and I have works.” Show me your faith without works, and I will show you faith from my works. (Or: Show me your faith from your works, and from my works I will show you my faith.) 19 You believe that God is one; you do well. The demons also believe—and they shudder. 20 Foolish man! Are you willing to learn that faith without works is useless? 21 Wasn’t Abraham our father justified by works when he offered Isaac his son on the altar? 22 You see that faith was active together with his works, and by works, faith was perfected. 23 So the Scripture was fulfilled that says, Abraham believed God, and it was credited to him for righteousness, You see that a man is justified by works and not by faith alone. 25 And in the same way, wasn’t Rahab the prostitute also justified by works when she received the messengers and sent them out by a different route? 26 For just as the body without the spirit is dead, so also faith without works is dead. (Jas. 2:18-26, Holman Christian Standad Version.)

I tend to believe that statement I placed in italics above: "Show me your faith from your works, and from my works I will show you my faith". It is by taking the risks in life that I show my faith in what God can do.

To Commune or Not to Commune?

I have taken Communion (or in the Southern BAB-Dist circles, "The Lord's Supper") since I've been a Believer in 1976. I've always done it in Southern BAB-Dist churches both in my home church and in my college church. Then, when I moved away from the Land of Opportunity to begin a new life in the Keystone State, I joined a local SBC mission church in my new hometown & I regularly participated in Communion there.

Then, I was asked to be ordained as a Deacon & I was privleged to serve Communion to my fellow Southern BAB-Dists. I view Communion as a very personal & intimate ritual between a Believer, his/her church, and God. Jesus as he & "the Twelve" sat together for the Last Supper did not invite all of Jerusalem to partake. It was only just He and the 12 people who had devoted three years to following Him. It was the 12 most trusted people that the Lord had been surrounded with in all of His ministry.

I view Communion in this same way. Intimate, and unique.

I have now relocated to central PA & living in the State College area, have united with a local SBC church plant which is very post-modern. They have an "open Communion" method that literally throws the barn doors open wide. Now, this is not how I exactly view this ordinance, but again...it is between the individual, the local body of Believers, and God. Not me. So, yes, I do see some folks partaking of the bread & the cup of whom I speculate just how much a part of this community (or even of God) that they really are. It's still none of my beeswax so I have come to a happy medium where I will simply focus on me...and not everybody else.

But does everyone else do the same? I would say not.

My wife (who, along with me) is a member of the SBC church plant in State College. However, since our church meets on Sunday nights only, she is a paid employee of one of the local United Churches of Christ as the music director. So, I bring the boys & we attend the Sunday morning worship services with her so as we can support her in what she's doing. The congregation is warm, loving, generous, and are sincerely good friends. I am getting to know each one very well and have the greatest amount of respect for them.

But they are not a part of my church.

And that's okay, too. Not everyone can be a member of my church.

I also have a chasm of differences between what I believe the Bible says & what the UCC corporate church believes. So, when Communion comes around on select Sunday mornings, I pass. This has generated a few questions among the other churchgoers as to why I do this. It is not because I think the UCC is "wrong". Maybe "wrong" for ME, but not ultimately "wrong". I don't even think my own church or the Southern Baptist Convention is totally right about all of God, the Bible, Jesus Christ, or the Holy Spirit.

The Bible is clear about the fact that if there are differences between Believers that Communion should not be taken. I have a clear difference between myself & the belief system of the UCC. So, I am refraining from participating in Communion. I believe this is a Biblical thing to do & it also speaks about how I relate to God through a local church congreagation. Why folks think this is separatist, is beyond me.

We all can't be one, big, happy church any more than we can all believe the same thing about God. I have no problem with attending the UCC worship services. Singing their hymns, reading their responsives, and such. That is being in fellowship with them. Partaking in Communion, however, is going beyond that. It is the breaking of bread together as a close body of the local church as that local church remembers Jesus Christ & His Life. Consequently, it is also a recommitment of how I can better serve Jesus through the local church. I can no more be of good use to a plethora of churches anymore than I can be a devoted husband while still dating every woman I find attractive.

I take the same position with taking Communion. I engage in this sacred, intimate, reflective Ordinance with my local community of Believers for another reason. I am spiritually accountable to the leadership (under-shepherd) of my church and my Pastor. I am not accountable to the UCC or any other church because I have not placed myself under them.

For these reasons, I do not feel ashamed nor guilty for not taking Communion with any church that is not "of like faith and order". This phrase merely means that it must be similar to how I abide by and/or interpret the Bible & relate to God. It does not mean that I will only take Communion with a Baptist church only. There are some Baptist churches that I cannot say are "of like faith and order". Yet, there are Christian & Missionary Alliance Churches that I believe are very much "of like faith and order" where I would not feel unwilling to partake of Communion with them.

If Communion is to be the personal & intimate ritual that it was meant to be, folks should respect this & focus on the Reason for The Lord's Supper and not so much on the Reaction.

Hi...I'm Phil and I have ADHD ...?

Well, I've decided to cave in & start blogging. Keep my feet from dancing. Were this will go, who will know. But to quote my dearly departed Mother, "You've given a piece of your mind to so many people, it's a wonder you have any mind left!"

God rest her soul. My Mother never lied.

I grew up being told I was a "hyper-active" child. I was always told that I "had trouble paying attention" in grade school. I was always talking -- getting in trouble in school for flapping my gums -- and could not follow directions well. So, I was a little "high-strung", as most would say. That was 1973. Today, it's "Adult ADHD".

I just think that some folks in today's society need to hang a "schism" on people because they wouldn't be able to figure them out if they didn't. It's as if we don't need any more reasons to pound down a person's self-worth...we need to find some clinical definition for why they behave the way they do. They do this so these poor saps will be "understood" by their friends or their spouses.

Horse hockey.

I just want to go on record to say that I am happy with the body I have. I feel perfectly fulfilled with the mind I have (even though it's about fried with trying to raise two toddler boys and try to understand the mind of my own spouse). And I also have complete and total contentment with my present state of being.

I've checked out those websites for Adult ADHD. One thing I did find interesting was the fact that in some cases, the "diagnosis" was nothing more than over-reaction to normal stress-related issues. Now, I'm not saying I'm oblivious to the fact that I may have ADHD. But really... does folks need to make it such a topic of their conversations? Good grief. It's enough to give any normal person a complex!

On the other hand, if I could get some kind of compensation for my new-found "disability", I may be able to rake in more money and still not have to work as hard!